


i feel safe in the five am light (you carry my fears as the heavens set fire)

by chemicalpixie



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, F/M, It's Canon-Compliant Deaths Sorry Not Sorry, Italics, M/M, Multi, POV Gale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-13 12:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9124270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalpixie/pseuds/chemicalpixie
Summary: “it would be so much easier to love madge, he thinks. to adore the way the her lips taste like strawberries, and the way her soft blonde hair falls gently down her back. but he has fallen for the girl with the dandelion greens on her lips and the harsh braid down her back that she would cut off if she could and (suddenly his mind wanders to peeta, to what his lips taste like and if his blonde hair is soft like madge’s and what he would say if gale asked to kiss him) and he cannot think like that. he cannot. he will watch peeta die and watch katniss die and he will never think about the press of their lips on his.”or; gale (the survivor) and the doomed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> recommended listening : sleep baby sleep by broods, wolves by running with silver, and technicolor beat by oh wonder.  
> i spent way too long on this monstrosity of a fic it's so long please help me

when prim is reaped, gale can't move. he doesn't breathe. and then katniss is screaming “i volunteer! i volunteer as tribute!” and gale's stomach sinks, because katniss won't survive this (at least if prim had been taken, he'd have katniss. she'd be broken and prim would be gone, killed in some horrible way by some tribute from one or two or four, her head bashed in and blood matting her blonde hair on tv forever and all of eternity, and katniss would live with the image of prim's dead body haunting her every time she closed her eyes, but at least she'd still be here. he'd still have her) and prim is screaming, some horrible screeching sound like a dying animal and he's running to her, pushing through the throngs of people to hold her back from running to the stage because this is enough of a spectacle that he knows it will be shown on every tv in panem and he doesn't need prim getting shot on live tv after katniss volunteered herself he won't let that happen he won't he _won't_. he holds prim close to him, her blonde hair escaping from the braids and sticking to her neck and face as she sobs into his chest. “they'll kill her,” she sobs and gale tries not to think about the fact that she's right. he notices everyone around them is giving them a wide berth, like being near gale and prim (the sister and the best friend of the tribute, the sister and the sometimes-almost-in-moments-that-are-half-sunset-and-half-real lover of the tribute) will make them the unlucky reaped ones. there is no one to volunteer for most of them, gale realizes. their families will mourn but they will not save them. the male tribute is called. gale doesn't register who it is, only that it isn't him (he thinks, for a moment, _what if?_ and what if is a dangerous game, it is him and katniss and running and bleeding and dying. it is him dying, he realizes, because he knows he would die for katniss, he would die to save her he would die for her in any world and he knows it). but it isn't him, it isn't rory or vick and they are safe, he thinks, breathing a sigh of relief (another year, another reaping over with) and then he remembers katniss isn't safe. prim curls into his chest, vulnerable, and she sobs, but silently now. it is no longer an act of protest, an act against a world that wanted to take her life but took the one person in the world she worshiped instead. it is quiet sadness. it is grief because they both know they will see katniss in person one more time before she is ripped from them and then the next time they see her, she will be nothing more than ashes, or a corpse if they're really lucky and whoever kills her doesn't mangle her body too much. he unwraps prim from him, and he dries her tears, trying to be gentle but her cheeks are red and she winces anyway (gale isn't gentle, he never has been, he has two younger brothers before he had a sister with whom he had to be gentle and by then his roughness was burned into him, burned into his bones and who he was, and he doesn't think he can be gentle now even if he tries). gale takes her hand (it's so small and fragile how can the world let anything like this exist? and gale suddenly understands why katniss did what she did, because prim would not have survived and they both _know_ it, she is delicate and soft and small) and they walk to the justice building.

//

seeing her one last time is almost worse than never seeing her again because the air hangs heavy with unsaid things and good-byes (he never thought they'd have to say good-bye. he doesn't even know what to say. he wants to tell her he loves her but chokes up instead).

“you can do this,” gale says, and he doesn't meet katniss's eyes because they both know she can't. “you're stronger than them. use what you know. if there isn't a bow in the arena, make one. you can do this.”

katniss fiddles with her hair. small curls have fallen from the bun and frame her face. “thank you.” she doesn't meet his eyes. “take care of my family. take care of prim. if my mother breaks down again prim, she'll - ”

“i'll take care of her,” gale promises. this is the only genuine thing he has said in this meeting.

“thank you.” the peacekeepers are signaling they are out of time. he reaches in to hug katniss, and she's crying and he's trying not to cry and he can feel her heart beating hard and he swallows hard and then the peacekeepers are pulling them apart and dragging him out of the room and he screams “katniss, remember i love you,” as they're dragging him out but he can't be sure she heard and he swallows hard, blinking back burning tears. prim is ushered in after him, and he's grateful that she isn't there to see him like this. there's no one else in the room besides katniss's mother, who sits in the corner with her head in her hands. there is no one for the male tribute. no one has come to say good-bye to him. (gale doesn't know who would come say good-bye to him if he was reaped. his mother would come, and rory and vick, but would anyone bring posy? would she even remember the last moments with her brother? would katniss come to see him, come to see him one last time? or would she run from a good-bye, the way she runs from the memory of her father and the moments that could mean something more?) gale's palms sweat as he enters the room. he can tell from the blonde hair that the boy is a shopkeeper's son. when he looks up, gale recognizes him almost immediately. it's peeta mellark, the baker's son. gale doesn't know what to say.

peeta looks up guiltily at him. gale doesn't understand why this boy who's going to die is so guilty. what has he done? what could he possibly have done?

“i'm sorry, gale,” peeta begins, and gale wants to ask what for, but peeta keeps talking. “look, i never wanted to say this before, but i like katniss. i'm going to tell caesar flickerman when he interviews me. i wanted you to know, because you two, well, you know,” peeta says, gesturing erratically.

“you goddamn bastard,” gale hisses, and it takes everything he has to not leap across the room and strangle peeta (he imagines it for a second, his hands around peeta's throat, peeta turning red, the peacekeepers dragging him away. maybe peeta would do better in the arena with bruises shaped like fingers wrapped around his neck).

“no, i swear, it's not like that. if we play up the star-crossed lovers thing, the capital will eat it up. we'll get sponsers. it could help us in the arena,” peeta explains carefully with the air of someone who's thought this over far too much.

there is silence for a moment. gale can't believe peeta wants to do this, to play up a fake romance in front of the entirety of panem (if he does it, it will be lies. it will be lies and it was be katniss and peeta holding hands and kissing and gale will think to himself “it is only a lie it is only a lie _it is only a l i e_ ” but it will never end, it will always _peeta &katniss_ forevermore and it will never be _katniss &gale_ again). “fine,” gale whispers, his teeth gritted. peeta looks startled, and gale can only imagine that is what his face will look like when he is killed (when a tribute from district one or two or three strikes him from behind, when a throwing knife splits open his forehead, when he's thrown back against the cornucopia and his skull is smashed and his blood is smeared against the shiny gold). that strange open-mouthed stunned look of “how could this happen?” is how peeta will look when he dies.

“if it keeps katniss alive, fine,” gale says, and he means it. anything to keep katniss alive. he would do anything for her, and he thinks that peeta knows that. peeta would do anything for her, too. the peacekeepers are signaling that they're out of time, and gale doesn't know what to say, so he whispers “good luck,” and doesn't mean it. peeta knows he doesn't mean it, and smiles wryly.

“thank you,” peeta whispers back, and gale knows it's for everything, it's for accepting the show that peeta wants to put on, it's for visiting him when no one else came.

gale doesn't say anything. what can he say? (what can he say to letting peeta put on a mockery of a romance, to peeta taking the one person he'd ever truly loved? there's nothing for him to say there's nothing there's nothing nothing nothing _nothing_ ). he turns and walks out of the room. prim is sobbing in the waiting room and katniss's mother is gone. probably to say good-bye, he imagines. he can't imagine what that conversation is like. (katniss, screaming at her mother that when she dies, she can't break down again, that if prim dies, she won't forgive her. her mother, offering cheap promises that they both know are false, saying that she won't break, that she will keep prim alive). gale holds prim close and tries to forget how sick he feels (he wanted to strangle someone he wanted to kill him, he's sick, he should be going to the games instead of delicate peeta, he deserves it he _deserves_ it). prim cries into his chest. they hold each other.

//

gale watches the opening ceremony at prim's house. he wasn't going to watch it at all (why bother seeing katniss and peeta in the mining costumes they shove the district twelve tributes in every year, when there will be so many other opportunities to remember them?) but when prim asks him to come watch with her, he can't say no. and then katniss and peeta come out, holding hands and on _fire_ (for a moment, gale thinks this is their way of sticking it to the capital, of telling them that they can't have you and never will. gale's first reaction is pride, then panic. panic for katniss who is burning alive right in front of them, panic for what will happen when the capitol takes out their anger on the district). prim covers her eyes, and then the flames die down, and katniss and peeta stand, whole, on their chariots and it is like nothing has ever happened, except the crowd is cheering harder for district twelve than gale has ever seen. he grins with pride and tells prim to take her hands off her eyes, and the look of excitement she has on her face when her sister stands, whole and defiant, in front of the cheering capitol crowds is a look of joy that no one ever has in district twelve, and certainly not the seam. and gale grins right along with her (because that's their katniss up there and he doesn't think he's ever been more proud of her) and then gale remembers why she's there, remembers that katniss is going to die. he looks away from the tv sourly and tries to think about something else.

//

trying to think about something else, it seems, is pointless, because everything is about the games (the games the goddamn games) and he can't turn around without someone talking about how what peeta did was “so romantic” or someone mentioning katniss's bravery or her training score. gale wants to tell all these people to fuck off, because they don't really know katniss, and what peeta did (even if his feelings were real, which gale tries hard not to think about. he tries hard not to confront other people's feelings, even when they aren't around anymore) was just a ploy. he doesn't do this, only because half the time, the person talking about katniss is prim, and she does know katniss. so instead, he graduates and signs up for a job at the mines (to keep himself busy to keep himself from thinking so he can work rather than sit around and so he doesn't ever have to see katniss die) and he kisses madge undersee and pretends she's katniss. he thinks she knows that what they have means nothing, but it doesn't matter anyway, because when katniss dies he will have to keep going. madge isn't anything like katniss, she never has been (she's too soft, and she doesn't taste like dandelion greens. instead, she tastes like strawberries and he tries not to think about the fact that he will never taste dandelion greens on anyone's lips again). he can't bear to watch the bloodbath, even with prim begging him to, so he spends the bloodbath getting drunk in a dark corner of the hob where noise drowns out the regulation television showing the games in the corner. madge is there too, even though she looks like she's never been this close to the seam before, and she wrinkles her nose when gale offers her some of the liquor he's drinking (it's bitter and tastes more like poison, but he doesn't care as long as he isn't thinking about her, isn't thinking about the games and the bloodbath and all the ways that she could die). when he stares at the tv for too long, sees the blonde career from district one with the bow, he wants to punch something, and he thinks madge can tell, so she drags him into a corner, and kisses him, hard, and she pretends not to hear when he whispers “catnip,” against her mouth. in return, he pretends he can't hear her when she moans katniss's name and they both go on, pretending the other is the girl whose death will be televised for all of panem.

//

gale watches the rest of the games with prim. when the other girl, the girl from eleven dies, prim cries. she buries her head in gale's shirt.

“that could've been me,” she whispers. “that would've been me, if katniss hadn't...” she trails off. they both know what katniss did. neither of them can forget it.

and then katniss starts singing, and prim looks up, her eyes red from crying.

“that was dad's song,” she says. “he sang it to us. she doesn't have any right to sing it to her. she isn't our sister. it isn't _hers._ ” prim doesn't come back until the hovercraft has taken the girl's body away. gale can't exactly blame her. katniss is going to die, and she has taken one of the few things that prim remembers of their father away from her. prim will never hear that song again without thinking of the other girl dying.

and then katniss and peeta are suddenly ( _somehow?_ ) in the top six (gale guesses having eleven tributes eliminated on the first day probably helps) and they're hiding out in a cave, and they kiss for the first time, and gale wants to cry and then - a package arrives for them. he knows immediately what haymitch is up to. the old drunk is finally doing something useful. he's bribing katniss. he can see the confusion on her face for a few minutes, can watch her puzzle it out. finally she gets it, and gale smiles, because that's his girl. and then he remembers she isn't his girl. she's peeta's now.

and when the mutts have torn cato apart, there is only peeta and katniss left. the artificial sun in the arena dawns and the mutts retreat. it's just katniss and peeta, and gale keeps thinking to himself that she should kill him (kill him shoot him kill him and it can be _katniss &gale_ again and will never have to be _peeta &katniss_ again kill him kill him just _kill_ him) and get out alive, and she does draw her bow for a second but peeta shows her something and she almost drops it in surprise and then they whisper to each other and then they're both eating something and then there's an announcement about two winners and they're trying to get whatever it was (it must have been poisonous, gale knows) out of their mouths and then they're announcing the victors and it's _katniss_ , it's their katniss and she's coming home and prim is crying and gale is crying because _katniss is coming home_.

//

gale tries so hard to forget everything and think of katniss as the girl he knows, the girl he's _always_ known, but a woman shows up from the capitol two days before katniss is scheduled to arrive home to remind him that he agreed to play as her cousin for the cameras and that since katniss is now a victor, the cameras will never stop (and it will always be _peeta &katniss_ and gale will marry madge and they will both watch katniss longingly because she can't love him and he doesn't love her but she will never be allowed to love who she wants without the capital killing her and if they're lucky gale will die in a mine accident at 20 before they have to have children and he has to watch peeta and katniss have children and watch the world coo over them as if he was never even part of her _life_ ). he thinks about telling the capitol woman to go to hell, but it isn't worth it. they have so much to hold over him. they have posy and rory and vick and his mother and no one besides him would care if they died. they will always have a hold on him, he realizes, and agrees again to play katniss's cousin for the cameras. what other choice does he have? what choice did he ever have?

//

when he sees katniss step off the train station, he almost cries. he never thought he'd see her again, and here she is. he wants to run and hug her, but the sight of peeta's hand in hers reminds him that he can't, and that anything that could be considered more than platonic affection is out of the picture, forever. she hugs prim, and gale stands awkwardly beside peeta. there is no one here for him. no one is happy that he has escaped alive.

“congratulations,” gale says, and peeta smiles wanly.

“thank you,” peeta says back, his face hard. “i was - i mean, we are very lucky.” gale knows he has amended his statement for the cameras. there are no cameras that gale can see, but he knows there are cameras watching. there will always be cameras.

and then katniss is done hugging prim and looks like she's going to start crying (he can tell she is going to cry. her cheeks are turning a blotchy red. he has always been able to tell. he _knows_ her).

“i missed you,” she says stiffly.

“i missed you too, catnip,” gale says, honestly. he resists the urge to throw his arms around her neck and hold her, really hold her, in a way he hasn't since before the reaping and the way he never thought he would again. he still can't believe this is real life and not a dream, because he thought the only way he would see katniss again was in his dreams while he lay in bed at night in a shabby cot next to madge while they sleep without touching each other. he turns to say something to her again, but she's talking to prim again and laughing, so instead he just watches her carefully. he is afraid that if he looks away, she will disappear like mist and he will be standing on the platform alone again. he watches her and prim and peeta (they are still hand-in-hand, careful to not let go of each other. is it a show? was it ever? will gale ever know? does it matter?) walk to the victor's village, and he realizes he has never seen her with a smile so wide before. she is happier without him. she has always been happier without him.

//

they don't talk in the woods now. before, they would have trouble keeping quiet to lure the prey in. now, the silence lays heavily on them. it is easier not to talk. it is easier to let peeta and katniss be _peeta &katniss_. it isn't _katniss &gale_ anymore. it never was _katniss &gale_, he knows. and he sees that now. they sit after the hunt is over, watching the birds call and fly about, as though nothing has changed.

he looks over at her. her hair is dark with streams of gold woven in by the setting sun. her eyes are harder than the eyes of the katniss he used to know. he leans over to her, meaning to put his head on his shoulder like he used to, but he changes his mind halfway through and leans in to kiss her.

when she pulls away, her eyes are dark with anger. “i'm sorry,” he says. “i had to do that, at least once.”

“you _can't_ ,” she says. “you can't. i, i love - i _have_ to love peeta.”

“i know,” he whispers. “god, believe me, i know. i just - i had to once, catnip, for who we used to be.”

she smiles sadly at him, and he knows that when he is old and dreams of her (while madge lays awake and unmoving beside him, because sleep has never come easy to her, and it will certainly not come easy when everything she knows, everything she is, is a lie) that this is the image of her he will dream of. this soft sad smile that says _this is everything we would have been_.

“i'm sorry,” she says, and walks away, back to the district and back to peeta.

//

he doesn’t bother to say good-bye when she and peeta leave for their victory tour. what does it matter? he doesn’t watch the videos of them on the victory tour, doesn’t watch anything because he knows the further away from him they are the less it will hurt him. when peeta proposes, he can’t help himself. he watches the video of his proposal over and over and over and over until the words blend together and mean nothing anymore. he stays in the mines and peeta’s voice saying “katniss, will you marry me?” loops in his head, echoing around the mines like a demon determined to haunt him.

but life goes on. rory takes out tesserae, which gale told him not to, but when questioned, he just says “if katniss can do it, why can’t i?” and gale knows the answer is because katniss was lucky and had someone who would give up everything for her and there is no one besides himself who would give up everything for rory. if rory is reaped, he cannot volunteer. he cannot. gale is nineteen, and rory is only a child, and there will be no one there to save him.

//

“and this year, in honor of the seventy-fifth quarter quell, to remind us that even the strongest among us are not above danger, the tributes will be chosen from the remaining pool of victors,” snow says, calmly, and gale can only imagine the outrage in the career districts. he smirks for a moment, glad that they will feel the pain and outrage every other district feels every single reaping, but then he remembers. _katniss_. katniss will die in this arena, her death a spectacle for the people of the capital. their newest toy, already discarded and forgotten. they will revel in her destruction and her death. they will cheer when she is killed.

//

the reaping is a pitiful affair. there are only two slips in the male tribute ball, and only one in the female. gale watches peeta (because he cannot bear to look at katniss) and notices the slow curve of his jaw, the way the icy sun hits his golden hair. and gale notices the way his fingers fidget slowly, tapping on his chair, and gale wants nothing more than to be up there with him, to hold his hand to calm his nerves and to trace the curve of his jaw with peeta’s hands in his hair and then their lips press together and - gale stops himself. he must be thinking of katniss. his mind must have drifted. he cannot bear to have fallen for the only doomed people he knows.

it would be so much easier to love madge, he thinks. to adore the way the her lips taste like strawberries, and the way her soft blonde hair falls gently down her back. but he has fallen for the girl with the dandelion greens on her lips and the harsh braid down her back that she would cut off if she could and (suddenly his mind wanders to peeta, to what his lips taste like and if his blonde hair is soft like madge’s and what he would say if gale asked to kiss him) and he cannot think like that. he cannot. he will watch peeta die and watch katniss die and he will never think about the press of their lips on his. he will only remember them as children, before they knew what death was and before the reaping tore them apart. he will pretend he was peeta’s friend as a child, and that it was peeta and katniss and gale from the beginning. they have always needed someone soft, someone to balance out their harsh lives. peeta is nothing but soft and fragile, and that is why he will die in the quarter quell. and peeta is not so concerned about his own life to let haymitch go into the arena for him. peeta’s is a softer kind of suicide.

when peeta screams “i volunteer!” it shatters the quiet hum of the machines and the upbeat chirping of effie’s voice, and gale looks away. he cannot bear to watch.

//

during the interviews, katniss wears a dress of fire that burns as she spins, and gale thinks he has never been more in love with her. it was to be her wedding dress, she tells caesar, and then she spins and her white dress turns to black in a flurry of flames. it is coal-to-diamonds in reverse, her dress ending blackened instead of the shiny jewel the capital wanted. katniss grins and flounces and is nothing like the girl he knows she is, and caesar eats it up. he loves this new version of katniss, this person she becomes when the cameras are on. gale recognizes this version of her from the victory tour. when her interview is finally over, caesar wishes her luck, and she grins, but gale can tell that behind it is defeat.

peeta’s interview is eerily similar to his from before the games. he charms caesar, and gale grins. peeta has always been the charming one of the two. before he leaves, peeta reveals that he and katniss are already married. that they are pregnant. this should not surprise gale. they are in love. (gale imagines a child, a soft child with katniss’s eyes and peeta’s hair. and then the child is killed. an older tribute smashes the baby’s head against the ground and it shrieks and katniss screams in agony, too weak from birth to move, and she calls out for peeta but he’s already dead and then katniss bleeds out onto the ground, crying for the ghosts of her husband and her child). he blinks and the image is gone. he cannot let himself think of this horror that will never happen. he knows that katniss will die before she will ever see her child’s face, that her body will be in the dust long before her child is born.

he goes to the mines the next morning and does not let thoughts of peeta and katniss and their child pass his mind. if he thinks of them, he will miss them (he will miss what will never be, he will miss what never could have been. he will not think of katniss, of her dark eyes and of the strong set to her shoulders, and he will not think of peeta’s hair and what he looks like dragging flour sacks back from market. he will not think of the child that could be. he will not think of the child that was doomed from the start). he will make himself forget, if he has to. he will not let himself live with these ghosts.

//

he watches the quarter quell in glimpses, watches only what he sees on other people’s televisions, and he does not turn on his own. he cannot bear to watch in full the horror the gamemakers have prepared for this year. prim watches it all, in fascinated horror.

“there is an island,” she tells him. “there is an island, and on it there are sections. there are sections and each of them is its own individual horror. there is blood rain and birds whose calls sound like everyone you’ve ever loved screaming for help.”

gale shakes his head. “stop watching this shit, prim,” he says. “do you want to watch your sister die on live tv?”

she sighs. “i don’t have a choice, gale,” she replies, her voice hard and harsh when she says his name, making it very clear what she thinks of him. “i have to know. i have to know if i was there, if i could have saved her.”

gale thinks that he and prim will deal with katniss’s death in very different ways.

//

madge leans into him, teasing him almost. for a facade, their relationship is very close. he thinks in another universe, one where she could love whoever she wanted, they would be more like brother and sister, and the idea of kissing each other would be revolting. as it stands, kissing each other isn’t the worst thing either of them does. it’s usually fun, in a casual sort of way. she presses her lips to his gently for a moment, and he grins, as though he is a boy caught in her loving torment. (he sees her blonde hair, and thinks _peeta_. peeta is the one teasing him and kissing him). and when she pins him against the wall, kissing him like it’s a show for everyone to watch (it has always been a show, the two of them. a show and a way to save themselves. when it comes down to it, he is not that different from peeta). she loops her hands in his hair and he can only think of the way that peeta’s blonde hair looks almost like molten gold in the sun is the same as madge’s, and before he can help himself, he whispers peeta’s name into her mouth, and she freezes for a moment, shocked. they are both used to the other calling katniss’s name while they kiss. they are a substitute for her, and they both know it. and then madge kisses him like nothing has changed, even though they both know it has.

later, in her bedroom, she whispers quiet curses at him. “damn you, gale hawthorne. damn you. why wouldn’t you tell me?” her voice is pleading.

“i didn’t - i’m not - ” he begins, but she cuts him off.

“you whispered a guy’s name as we kissed, gale. a guy. that is not something people do.” there is no “normal” before people, but it is implied. “people not like me,” she might’ve said.

he puts his head in his hands. “fine. yes. you’re right.”

“how long?” she asks gently. gale is in love with two doomed people, and he has just admitted his vulnerability.

“the reaping,” he says, and at the panicked and hurt look on her face he adds, “for the quell.” she smiles gently at him, and then they hold each other quietly. it is a gentle moment, one where there is nothing false (there are no romances, no dreams, no hope).

//

and then the arena is bombed, and everything goes to hell. gale takes his family and katniss’s (and he leaves peeta’s family. if they would even come with him, he would not take them, would not take the mother and the father and the brothers who couldn’t care enough when their son made it out of the games to come see him. he hates them a little, for not caring enough about their soft golden boy to come and see him home) and some others who wanted to get out once they see that all the peacekeepers and their families have left. when the capital’s servants leave, they all know they are doomed. he tries to convince madge to come with them, because he loves her like a sister and knows that whatever will come to district twelve will leave no survivors.

“i can't leave my parents, gale,” she says, even when he pleads for her to come. her parents refuse to come. they think that because he is the mayor, they will be safe.

“i'm sorry,” she says, and shut the door in his face.

after a while, he and the other survivors hear the bombs that they know must be on district twelve. prim shivers, her mangy cat hissing in her arms. gale doesn't look back. he can't bear to look at the ashes of everything he once knew.

they wander for days, because no one actually knows where district thirteen used to stand, and eventually they are found. they accept him and the other survivors without question. haymitch greets them at the door, his face a mask of horror. gale has never wanted to hug the old man so much before in his life.

“did they get out?” he asks. he has to know. are they alright? it is the question that dwells in the back of his mind that haunts him when his mind wanders.

“katniss is fine. she’s unconscious,” he says, and gale can tell he’s avoiding something.

“what about peeta?” he asks.

“they have peeta,” haymitch says, and gale’s heart drops to the floor.

//

he sits at katniss’s bedside, hoping she will wake up. her doctors have told him that the pregnancy was lost, that it was probably lost in the first bout of blood rain, if it was ever real at all. they can’t tell for certain which is more likely. gale isn’t sure he knows either.

on the second day of sitting by her beside, hoping she’ll wake (because he can’t lose the only two people he cares about still, he just _can’t_ ) her eyes flutter and she stirs.

“gale?” she asks, her voice thick with sleep.

“yeah, catnip,” he says, taking her hand and stroking his thumb across her palm. “it’s me.”

“what happened?” she asks.

“they got you out. they got finnick and beetee too.”

her face clouds with panic. “peeta?” she asks. “where’s peeta?”

“snow has him, katniss,” he says, looking at the floor. “i’m sorry.”

“we have to save him,” she screams, her limbs thrashing. “save him, save him gale, _please_.”

nurses come shuffling in, trying to hold katniss down. she has a fever from johanna’s attack in the arena. gale knows it was only to help her, to remove the tracker, but it has still caused katniss’s fever (and he resents her a little bit, imagines holding johanna down and listening to her scream and beg for forgiveness).

katniss passes out again, and doesn’t wake up for another three days. he is there when she does.

//

they go back to district twelve together. they enter where they used to leave, stopping to look at the fallen fence they used to scale.

their houses are completely destroyed. gale expected nothing less. their houses were never particularly sturdy.

neither of them talk much. neither of them has to. they walk up the main street, eventually ending at the mayor's house. gale stops in front of it, crouching down and looking at the wreckage. he knows madge's body is in there somewhere. he wishes she wasn't there and was here instead, standing next to him, laying flowers at the graves of her parents who had doomed themselves but had let their daughter live. he wishes she were here, sneaking shy smiles at katniss and making conversation through subtle eye contact with him.

he lays down the lilies he brought. flowers are rare in district thirteen, and he had to save up every bit of his money to buy them.

“i love you,” he says softly, in case she's here somehow, listening. he stands up and turns back to katniss.

“what?” katniss asks.

“no, sorry,” gale says. “madge lived here, i was telling her i love her, in case she's listening somehow. she deserves to know.”

“you love her?” katniss asks, a fleeting look of fright on her face.

“like a sister,” gale amends. “i tried to get her out, but she wouldn't - not without her parents, and - ” he trails off. katniss reaches for his hand.

“i'm sorry,” she says, and he grabs her hand. the feel of her hand in his is familiar and comforting.

“it's okay,” he says. “besides, she was like johanna.”

she leans her head in his shoulder as she thinks. “what, surprisingly deadly with axes?”

gale snorts. “you know what i mean,” he says, and she looks up at him and suddenly, even though they're surrounded by the ashes of the their lost childhood and the people they used to know, this suddenly feels like home.

//

and then peeta's pretty-boy face is back on tv, and he's being interviewed by caesar again.

“say,” caesar begins. “what do you have to tell the rebels who blew up the arena?”

“i would tell them that they are breaking the law and that it is better for them to surrender now.”

katniss gasps, burying her head in gale's arms.

“what do you say to the rumors that your beloved, katniss everdeen, was involved with the rebels?” peeta twitches slightly when they say katniss's name. it's almost not noticeable, but gale sees it. he is glad katniss doesn't seem to.

“well, first of all, caesar,” peeta says. “our engagement is over.” he pauses, and caesar gasps. katniss's breath becomes heavy. it sounds like she is sobbing into his chest.

“really? when did this happen?” caesar asks.

“in the arena, after she lost the baby,” peeta says. “somewhere after the birds and the blood rain.”

“when did she lose the baby?” caesar asks.

“during the blood rain, the first time,” peeta says. “it was the stress, of course. her body couldn't take it.”

“i wasn't even fucking pregnant in the first place!” katniss screams at the version of peeta that's on the tv before them. “you made it up! so the capital could see what they were doing!” she collapses back into gale's arms, and gale rubs her back gently as she cries hiccuping sobs.

//

he volunteers to go to the capital to retrieve annie, enobaria, johanna and peeta. he can't bear thinking of peeta alone in snow's hands, never sure who loves him and in constant torture. he'd been through two games. he didn't deserve this now. finnick is to go with him, along with a platoon of soldiers. gale knows that they will save them or they will die trying.

on the hovercraft there, finnick turns to him. “what’s up with you and katniss? why’d you volunteer to do this for peeta? i can imagine it’d be better for you if peeta just, you know. stayed in snow’s control,” finnick says, grinning. but gale can tell that this is some kind of test, some way of judging gale that he doesn’t understand.

“i care for peeta too,” gale says. “he means - he means _something_ to me.”

finnick grins, and it still seems to glitter even in the dim light of the pre-dawn. “i care for katniss, gale,” finnick says carefully. “and if you hurt her intentionally, i will rip your throat out and leave your body for snow to destroy.”

“i don’t want to hurt either of them,” gale whispers. “i love them.”

finnick looks him up and down. “good. i think you’re good for them, gale, but remember, love isn’t easy.”

“they don’t love me,” he says softly. gale is resigned to this fact. “they love each other.”

finnick looks at him and it looks like finnick’s heart is breaking. “oh, gale,” he says. “don’t be so fucking stupid.”

//

they find johanna first. she comes more easily than gale had anticipated. she screams in horror once her cell is opened, and finnick begins to cry a little bit when he sees her.

“oh, jo,” he murmurs, reaching for her. she stays at arm’s length, afraid he will hurt her. “what did they do to you?” johanna whimpers as she stands, and every step looks like she is in excruciating pain. gale can only hope that peeta has not been hurt as badly.

annie sits quietly in the corner. she melts into finnick when he opens the door to her cell, and gale knows that they have not gotten to her the way they have gotten to johanna.

“i missed you,” she sighs into him, and finnick grabs her hand and doesn’t let go.

they have to drug peeta to get him to come with them. he fights until the drug knocks him out, kicking and screaming. he is not the soft golden boy gale once knew. gale doesn’t know if peeta will ever be that boy again.

//

gale and katniss wait by peeta’s bedside. when he wakes up, they will be here for him. and then he stirs and there’s look of _something_ terrifying in his eyes. he lunges for katniss, choking her, and she tries to scream but no noise comes out and gale is pulling at peeta, trying to pull him off of katniss before he kills her (and he isn’t sure what he will do if katniss dies, he doesn’t know what will happen when one of the people he loves has just destroyed the other). it takes three orderlies and gale to hold peeta down. katniss lies on the floor, unconscious, dark purple bruises blooming around her throat like dark flowers. another orderly comes and takes her to a room. they have to treat her for possible wounds to her larynx and esophagus, the orderly explains to gale, looking at him with pity in his eyes. it is almost like the orderly knows that peeta (and therefore nothing, therefore katniss, therefore gale’s love for the two of them) will never be the same. 

//

they have gale work with peeta to help him recover his memories. he is doing well, even if he doesn’t know who gale is and thinks that katniss is a mutt sent by the capital to kill him. his childhood friend, delly, comes in and tells him what she remembers of their childhood.

“we had our first kiss in the willow tree behind the school,” she says, and gale’s fist clenches. delly’s voice is soft and lulling but gale cannot help but be angry that of all the things she thinks are important, peeta’s first kiss is one of them. “you tasted like frosting.” of course peeta tasted like frosting. at least now if gale never gets to kiss peeta, he will know what peeta’s lips on his would taste like. he’s thankful for that, at least.

“your older brother found us, and threatened to tell your mother, and you wouldn’t talk to me for a week,” delly says, smiling. as though the threat of peeta’s bastard of a mother is a memory peeta would want to keep. delly keeps talking, giving peeta mundane memories of what she remembers of his childhood, and gale listens to everything delly says silently. he now knows more about peeta than peeta does.

//

“we have to do it, katniss,” gale says. he has been working with beetee to make weapons, and the bombs they have will blow up “the nut”, the capital’s main weapons facility. it will defeat the capital once and for all, he and beetee both know, if they can kill snow and destroy the nut.

katniss begins quietly, like a prayer, a whispered prayer to a god gale knows isn't there anymore. gale doesn't know if he should look away or not. it is obvious this is a ritual of hers, something she has done over and over and over until her voice was hoarse. “marvel. glimmer. cato. clove. felix. amber. lucan. marina. soren. foxface. jason. tamora. alder. accalia. matthias. saffron. rye. holland. garrow. arya. thresh. rue.” the last name comes out with a breath, and she steels, looking him in the eye. “people will die, gale,” she says, harshly. “innocent people will be killed. god knows i’m not opposed to killing soldiers. i killed marvel. i killed glimmer. i killed marina, and i killed cato, and i killed gloss. but only because it was a last resort. only because i didn’t have a choice. and if you don't think the fact that they aren't here anymore because of what i did doesn't haunt me, then you don't know me nearly as well as i thought you did.”

“people die, katniss,” gale shoots back. “these aren’t your fucking games anymore. this is a war. innocent people will have to die so that we don’t send children into the arena anymore.” he is angry. she thinks sometimes that just because she has killed people, she can spare the rest of the world from having blood-soaked hands.

“please, gale,” she says carefully. “imagine if it was rory or vick who worked in the nut. they have nothing to do with your precious war.”

gale sighs, lays his head in his hands. “we’ll leave the train station open, so people can get out,” he says. it is the only concession he can afford to make.

“thank you,” she says, leaning forward and kissing him on the forehead before leaving.

//

katniss is giving a speech in district two’s rebel camp, and gale is working on weapons with beetee when someone bursts into the room.

“she’s been shot,” the man says. “the mockingjay has been shot!” it takes everything gale has in him to not fall over. katniss has been shot. katniss is _dead_. (he can see it, in his mind’s eye. a sniper lines up a shot from behind. she’s speaking, carefully and yet somehow passionately, when blood leaks from her mouth. she collapses. the mockingjay has fallen. gale’s world has been destroyed in an instant). beetee looks at the messenger, his eyes wide with shock. “will she recover?” beetee asks, and gale can see that this is a much more logical path of thought. if she’d been killed, the messenger would have said so.

“yes,” the messenger says, and gale breathes a sigh of relief. (he has katniss back. he does not have to tell prim that her sister is dead. he doesn’t have to stay with peeta, both of them alone and full of longing).

katniss is alive. this is all he needs to know.

//

gale stays with peeta still, when he can. the memories don't come easily, and peeta remains an empty shell of himself aside from one haunting trait. “marvel. glimmer. cato. clove. felix. amber. lucan. marina. soren. finch. jason. tamora. alder. accalia. matthias. saffron. rye. holland. garrow. arya. thresh. rue.” peeta mumbles the names in his sleep. they burst out of his mouth when he stares blankly at the wall for hours like an overflowing flood. he screams the names to a blank television that plays nothing but static. he stops in the middle of a sentence to say the names of the dead, like a prayer for forgiveness. it is as though if he doesn't say them, they will come back to haunt him. it is a desperate prayer, a desperate, echoing chant, and it haunts gale's sleep. his dreams have peeta's voice whispering names until he can no longer speak. his dreams have peeta halting halfway through, having forgotten even this. peeta no longer knows who he once was, but the names of the dead are burned into his brain. that much is obvious. gale doesn't know if the memories of the dead are a curse or a sign. he doesn't think peeta knows either. 

//

annie and finnick’s wedding is the first wedding gale has been to since he was small. it isn’t a particularly formal affair, but it is meaningful. annie’s face is bright, and the color of her hair and the color of her dress contrast perfectly. there are children singing, an old sea shanty gale has never heard before but is told is a traditional part of the weddings in district four. after the ceremony, which gale admits is incredibly touching, johanna gives a toast. she is finnick’s closest friend, and says so in the very beginning of the speech. because it is johanna, the speech is raunchy and the guests laugh uproariously, as though they haven’t truly laughed at anything for a long time and are really just looking for an excuse. finnick and annie don’t seem to mind, though. they are gazing at each other lovingly, as though the other is the reason that the world keeps on spinning.

johanna’s toast comes to an end, and gale realizes that, if he ever wants to get married, he wants madge to give a toast. and then it hits him again — madge is dead. madge will never be able to give his wedding toast, and he will never be able to give hers, where he jokes about how they planned to get married once.

“champagne?” someone asks, and gale looks up to see katniss standing in front of him.

“no thanks,” he says.

“what’re you thinking about?” she asks, then adds, “you look too sad to be at a wedding.”

“madge,” he says. “we were planning on getting married, once.” changing his mind, he takes the champagne glass from katniss and drinks it all in a single a swig.

“why?” katniss asks, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. her brow is furrowed in confusion.

“because you were going to die, and she was well, you know,” gale says, standing up. “want to dance?” katniss takes his hand and they walk out onto the dance floor. “and there was no one i wanted to marry other than you, and you were going to die, and madge wasn’t going to go and find herself hopelessly in love with me, so it just seemed to work out.”

“i was going to marry peeta. i don’t know if i wanted to, but we were going to get married. it was going to be the affair the capital wanted it to be. everything excessive.” katniss grimaces, and accidentally bumps into the couple dancing behind her. gale maneuvers them away quickly.

katniss smirks at him, the way she used to, before the games, and then she presses her head to his chest and they dance.

//

gale is assigned to the crew being sent to the capital to kill snow. he wants to take the shot himself, wants to watch snow write in pain for everything that he’s done to katniss and to peeta and to madge and to everyone gale has ever loved. he wants snow to suffer. snow’s suffering will be nothing, of course, in the end, compared to the suffering that snow caused, but gale thinks that killing him will still be worth something.

katniss isn’t assigned to the crew, but she raises hell until she’s allowed on. gale is nervous, nervous about fighting beside katniss for the first time since they were young and play-fighting their fathers in the garden. this is the games where he is the one to fight alongside katniss, and he suddenly remembers the first reaping, the one where prim was reaped and katniss volunteered and he thought he’d never see her again. he was so young then. they were all so young.

//

the pods kill leeg two on the first day, and leeg one screams and refuses to speak again. plutarch sends in peeta as a replacement, and gale’s heart sinks. peeta cannot survive something like this again. it will break him so much that he will always be broken and he will never be whole again. but when peeta arrives, it is almost like having the old peeta back. he grins at gale and gale sees softness. katniss throws her arms around him and kisses him, and gale watches them out of the corner of his eyes. behind peeta’s soft smile is confusion, and he pulls away.

“i’m sorry,” he whispers. “wasn’t our love just a show?”

katniss’s cheeks turn a blotchy red. “yes. no. i don’t know. you loved me, and - and i think i loved you back. i’m sorry, peeta. i’m so sorry.”

katniss sticks close to gale after that, avoiding peeta as much as she can. gale knows that this must hurt more for her, because she only realized she loved him after he was gone. at least gale knows that he has never had a chance.

//

they are sitting around the fire one night, when peeta is telling them all about the time he and katniss painted together, and katniss looks at him quizzically.

“that didn’t happen,” she says.

“oh,” peeta says. “well, i guess that the fact that you attacked me and tried to rip out my eyes at the end should’ve tipped me off.”

katniss grabs his hand. “i wouldn’t - ” she begins, but peeta cuts her off.

“i know,” he says. “i just assumed they faked the end.”

“let’s play a game,” gale says. “peeta, you tell us a memory and we’ll tell you if it’s real or not real.”

“okay,” peeta says. “they killed two avoxes in front of me. i recognized one of them from twelve.” gale and katniss share a look over peeta’s head.

“real,” katniss says after a beat. there is no reason to doubt that snow would murder avoxes to torture peeta, especially ones he might recognize.

“we kissed in the arena,” he says, looking at katniss.

“real,” she says.

“you gave me sugar cubes,” he says, looking over at finnick.

finnick nods. “yup, that’s real,” he says, smiling.

“i wanted to kiss you,” he says, looking at gale. gale’s heart skips a beat. there’s no reason the capital would put that in him, there’s no reason to think that that could hurt him.

“real,” gale finally says. “that was real.”

//

the other members of their squad are slowly picked off. it is only peeta and gale and katniss and finnick left, and they take shelter at a rebel sympathizer's house. her name is tigris, and she is an old friend of effie’s.

“you can sleep in the basement,” she says, leading them downstairs. “most of the capital citizens have evacuated by now anyways, so you should be safe.”

gale can’t sleep. there is something that makes it feel unsafe. “gale?” someone asks, and it only takes him a second to figure out that it is peeta (but he is sitting up before then. his hand has already flown to his gun. he is a soldier at heart now).

“yes?” gale asks.

“does katniss love you?” the air hangs heavy after peeta’s question.

“once, maybe,” gale says, as though the question is something casual and not the one thing that would break his heart. “i am sure she doesn’t any longer, if that is what you are asking.”

“no, i - ” peeta says, sitting up. he was lying next to gale, so their shoulders are so close they are almost touching. “i was thinking about you. i wanted to kiss you,” peeta whispers, and leans in. “and i think i still do,” peeta finishes, his lips only inches away from gale’s.

“can i kiss you then?” gale asks. “because i’ve been in love with you and katniss for forever, and - ” peeta cuts him off by kissing him.

peeta’s lips don’t taste like icing. there is the faint taste of ashes on his lips instead, but gale wouldn’t trade that kiss for another for the world.

//

there are no more private moments after that. everything is chaos, and gale wants nothing more than to take peeta and katniss back to district thirteen and hold them close and never let them go. instead, they watch the capital fall, together, each of them with an intimate role in its destruction. and then they are in front of snow’s house and there are children (they are huddled together, frightened and scared. if they were only a few years older, gale would see them as tributes) and then there is prim, a medic now, and she runs into them because she has to _help_ and — the world explodes into fire and gale reaches for katniss’s hand but can’t find it and he is alone again alone again alone _a g a i n_ (they have left him for a final time, he will live out his final days by himself because snow’s last selfish act, damn him, was taking the two people gale loved most from him, this time for good. it wasn’t enough to take madge, snow had to take katniss and peeta, he had to have them because gale cannot be allowed to love anyone and he loves them more than anything else in the world). when the fire is gone, peeta is lying unconscious on the ground and katniss is sobbing and there is nothing but ashes where prim once stood and everything gale knows has fallen apart again. 

//

“was it your bomb?” katniss asks. the three of them share a room now in snow’s mansion as they wait for his execution. they say it is because they want others to have enough room. they do not say that it is because they cannot sleep alone anymore. gale falls asleep to katniss's whispered chants of the names of the dead. “marvel. glimmer. cato. clove. felix. amber. lucan. marina. soren. foxface. jason. tamora. alder. accalia. matthias. saffron. rye. holland. garrow. arya. thresh. rue. prim.” prim comes after rue, but she was the last victim of the capitol, and so katniss chants her name along with the others.

“was what?” gale asks. he is looking at the wall. there is a crack that looks like the face of the lizard mutts that took finnick from them. he stares at it when he cannot sleep. he is staring at it now.

“the bomb that killed prim. i know it was coin’s,” she says accusingly from behind him. “did you make it? did you order it to be dropped?”

“it was ours?” gale echos in shock. he puts his head in his hands as the realization dawns. “oh, god, what have i done? i’m so sorry,” he begs, tears beginning to run down his cheeks. “i loved prim like a sister. she and madge were what got me through your first games. and now they’re both - they’re both gone. i’m so sorry. please, katniss, forgive me.”

and then katniss gathers him in her arms, and they grieve together.

//

gale and peeta stay at the capital for a long time after katniss is sent back to district twelve. they have to, since both of them were so high ranked in the revolution. no one will let them leave until the new government is established, now that coin is not here to run things the way she wanted. gale helps to the best of his ability, but he is a fighter, not a revolutionary. it turns out that peeta is good at this, is good at establishing compromises that make everyone happy.

they go back to twelve eventually. neither of them could stay away. twelve is their home. effie shares the same train with them on the way back, and gale sits next to peeta on the opposite side of the car.

“why’s she going back? there’s nothing in twelve,” gale whispers to peeta as he stares out the window. peeta isn't saying anything, but gale can see his mouth move. he is mouthing the names of the dead. the names are never far from his thoughts, even now.

peeta smiles like he’s watching a fighting couple and he knows that they will make up and go on, even though they don't. “haven’t you seen her and haymitch?” he whispers back, and gale knows. _haymitch_ is what is in twelve for effie.

the train rattles to a stop after what feels like forever, and peeta jerks awake, lifting his head off gale’s shoulder. the doors open and katniss and haymitch are standing on the platform. haymitch has flowers and katniss is standing there casually, as though waiting for the people she loves to come home is no big deal.

as soon as gale and peeta step off the train, she runs to them and hugs them both at once. peeta cries a little bit. haymitch spins effie around, and she grins wider than gale has ever seen her grin. so. peeta was right after all (not that this was any kind of surprise. peeta is better at relationships and reading other people than gale is. he always has been).

katniss finally lets go of them and she smiles at the two of them. “i missed you,” she says, her face turning blotchy red and her voice choking up.

“we missed you too,” peeta says, and then the three of them walk hand-in-hand back to the victor’s village.

//

gale wakes early, much earlier than the other two, even after all these years. his mind is somehow stuck on the early toll of the mining bell, and katniss and peeta both sleep fitfully, so he doesn’t want to wake them. they still both have nightmares, though now they are few and far between instead of every night. (they are not who they once were. they are not _katnissbeforethegames_ or _peetabeforeitall_ , but they are not _katnissafterwards_ or _peetaafterthegames_ , either. the names do not spring, unbidden to their lips. they do not chant them in their sleep. they do not mutter them distractedly. the names are buried somewhere inside them, and it has been years since gale has heard them). he doesn’t bother to move until one of them gets up (usually it’s peeta. the baker’s son can never sleep in for long) and instead he watches the sunlight creep across the bed. when they finally wake, peeta makes breakfast and they share quiet mornings together. katniss stumbles down a while later, the bed cold and the boy and the girl dragging their feet behind her. and peeta serves breakfast and katniss passes, as always, for a sole cup of tea, the way her sister used to make, and peeta smiles at her and sits down next to them and gale watches the sunlight filter in through the window and realizes that this is it, it is _here_ , with katniss and peeta by his side and the soothing chatter of their children over the breakfast that peeta made that the nightmare is over and they all, finally, feel _safe_.


End file.
